1. …I remember the person I am speaking to is not the enemy.
2. ...I remember the reason I am speaking is to make things better.
3. ...I ask the Listener “Is this a good time to talk?”
4. … I ask myself “Is what I’m about to say going to lead me closer to, or further away from my goal?”
5. ...I share My Reality (my side of the coin) by finishing the following sentence stems:
A) As We Talk(ed) about….
B) What I Think Is (Thought)…
C) What I Feel Is (Felt)…(Joy, Anger, Pain, Fear, Love, Shame, Guilt, Hope)
D) What I Prefer In The Future Is…
6. ...I take full responsibility for my thoughts and feelings without blame. I also increase my chances of being listened to by limiting myself to 2 sentences in each of the above mentioned areas.
7. ...I empower the Listener by letting him/her know exactly what I am requesting.
8. ...I ask for specific, clear and achievable behaviors that would help me to feel better right now.
9. ...I appreciate what I get, and I let go of what I don’t get.
10. ...I remember to respect, honor, esteem, accept and thank the Listener for giving me their undivided attention.
11. ...I relinquish my need to be right, relinquish my need to control the Listener, and relinquish my need to “spew the truth as I see it” onto the Listener.
12. ...I exercise patience with the Listener, by responsibly holding, containing and effectively delivering my heated emotions, as one holds and hands to another hot coffee in a container. To do otherwise is to wound them with my words, effectively throwing my heated emotions on them irresponsibly, in an uncontained way, sabotaging my ability to being heard.
13. ...I AM UNDERSTOOD, due to my engagement in a process of speaking, describing, comprehending and informing the Listener of my viewpoint(s). Together, we “collect and assemble” all of the pieces as we see how they fit together, like two people collecting pieces of a puzzle and putting them together. This is the “word picture” of the word Understanding.
14. ...I operate from a position of strength, confidence and boldness, which comes with being open, honest and willing to be transparent.
15. ...I have “drilled down” with my thoughts, due to thinking, observing, considering and contemplating the issue(s) before me. I increase the possibility of being heard as I exercise discernment, perception, and comprehension, with myself and with the Listener. Wisdom (becoming skilled at living) is attained by engaging in this learning (and communication) process.
16. ...I understand that maturity is a reflection and an outcome of the Listener and I identifying and accurately assembling the pieces of our life puzzle together. As we “step back” and observe, we understand, as we both see the larger, greater and complex purpose, implication and opportunities beyond ourselves.
Listening occurs when …
1.…I silence my rebuttal going on in my head and cease listening defensively.
2. ...I ask questions to help me perceive, to know and to become familiar with and aware of what the Speaker wants to convey to me.
3. ...I have perceived, investigated, examined thoroughly and understand intellectually and emotionally the message the Speaker intends for me to hear.
4. ... I am able to report back what I heard more deeply than the Speaker intended to convey to me.
5. …I am able to hear only the Speaker’s side of the dialogue.
6. …I struggle to see beyond my side of the issue and labor to see the multiple sides to the issue (the small sides of these issues).
7. …I listen to understand, acknowledge whatever I can, and I give to the Speaker whatever I can.
8. ...I devote my fullest and complete attention to the Speaker in the same manner that a 2 year old holds their parents face in their hands, gazes into their eyes and whispers to them the message (s)he wants to share.
9. ...the Speaker feels understood.
10. ...I re-establish connection with the Speaker.
11. ...I engage in a dialogue with the Speaker. A true dialogue resembles a Ping-Pong game, in which we pass back and forth to each other knowledge, goals, amends and eventually resolution to the issue(s) we have been negotiating.
12. ...I not only hear the Speaker, but it is as if I am traveling with him/her on a journey, giving great attention to not only what is being said, but also seeking to incorporate what I heard into my life for my personal and relational benefit.
13. ...I UNDERSTAND, due to having engaged in a process of hearing, perceiving, noticing and comprehending what the Speaker is saying, and then “collecting together and assembling” all of the features of the issues into a whole, like one is collecting pieces of a puzzle and putting them together.
14. ...I am able to grasp not only what the Speaker desires for me to know, but I am able to perceive, ascertain and check out even the minute features or “areas” being discussed (like noticing the small sides to a coin).
15. ...My Higher Power helps me to capture the true essence of what is being said, and in that stillness, being able to give my attention, while also listening to the quiet inner voice that instructs me in the right way I am to respond.
16. ...the situation calls for me to demonstrate sympathy or compassion, in that I suffer together with the Speaker, regarding the misfortune, affliction, or feeling they may be experiencing.
17. ...I work with the Speaker to become wise and skilled in the matters that he/she is sharing with me. As I listen, I endeavor to become “skilled in the affairs of life,” by exercising wise management with the Speaker, as shown by forming the best plans, selecting the best means, and incorporating sound judgment and good sense for my personal and our relational benefit.
